There's a lot of talk surrounding self-love, self-care, and treating ourselves kindly, but how do we translate these ideas into real-life actions? These concepts have gained widespread acceptance in the mainstream media, and that's a positive development.
It means we can engage in open and honest discussions about the significance of self-care and mental well-being. However, there's a drawback to the popularization of the "self-care culture." The concept has become so normalized that we've lost sight of its true essence.
While both self-care and self-love involve fostering a deep and consistent mental state, many people are confused. Instead of nurturing a positive mindset, they mistakenly equate self-care solely with activities like using face masks and taking relaxing bubble baths.
Performative acts of kindness towards ourselves certainly have their place in our lives. However, it's important to consider that self-care should extend beyond surface-level actions.
Instead of simply applying a face mask and assuming our problems are solved, we should strive to move beyond superficial and performative activities, investing in a transformative mindset. This is where self-compassion becomes paramount.
Think of self-compassion as an enhanced version of self-care or self-love. It's helpful to conceptualize self-compassion as an action, a continuous and all-encompassing mental state that emphasizes self-awareness and kindness towards oneself.
The initial step in embarking on a journey of self-compassion is straightforward: replace negative coping mechanisms with positive alternatives.
So, how do you do that? When you’re putting this concept into practice for the first time, it might help you to imagine that you’re talking with a friend.
Maybe your friend has told you that she’s sad or struggling with something in her life. So, when your friend confides in you about her problems, would you tell her to suck it up and stop being such a baby?
Unless you’re a terrible friend, that probably wouldn’t be your default response. Instead, you would respond in comfort before you did anything else. You would tell her that you’re here for her and ask if she’s okay.
You would ask what happened and how you can help. And as the two of you talked through the problem together, you would try to help her focus on the bright side or remind her of her good qualities.
Even if it became apparent that your friend was in the wrong or had acted inappropriately, you would likely handle the issue in love and gently encourage her to see how she could improve in the future.
Simply put, envision a scenario where you extend much more kindness to a friend than you typically do to yourself.
As demonstrated in this example, the essence of self-compassion lies in promoting a gentler, more optimistic, and ultimately more effective way of facing life’s trials.
However, integrating self-compassion into your life involves shedding certain negative habits since it's not usually our immediate response.
The author recognizes that, initially, being compassionate towards oneself might seem awkward.
Society conditions us to prioritize others' issues over our own, possibly making us feel excessively self-indulgent or prompting self-deprecating laughter.
This stems from the societal overemphasis on personal responsibility.
While initially empowering, the belief that we control our destinies can lead to the perception that we are accountable for everything that unfolds in our lives.
Consequently, it's easy to internalize this and blame ourselves.
Such self-blame fuels our inner critic, and we may have a habit of asking ourselves detrimental questions like, “Why did you allow yourself to lose your job? Why did you think they actually valued you? Why are you permitting yourself to feel down about that?”
All of these inquiries lack value. In truth, they distort our sense of personal responsibility and invite self-harm.
So, acknowledge that if you're accountable for anything, it's the process of unlearning these damaging thought patterns.
This emphasizes the importance of embracing self-compassion, particularly when it might feel awkward, and persisting even when you feel inclined to mock yourself.
By establishing a routine of practicing this approach, you gradually shift from self-critique to self-comfort, finding the ability to offer yourself mental reassurance.
Through consistent practice, you'll reshape your negative coping responses (those inner dialogues like “You're a fool!” or “What's the matter with you?”) into affirmative messages.
Instead of getting caught in damaging self-criticisms, you can substitute them with affirmations such as, “I understand this is challenging for you,” or “It's acceptable to feel frustrated; you're putting in a genuine effort.”
The contrast between these types of statements is evident. One kind of self-talk is damaging and disheartening, while the other encourages a gentler and more empathetic approach.
Instead of immersing yourself in detrimental thoughts that can push you to quit, you can adopt self-compassionate affirmations that inspire you towards constructive transformations.
However, self-compassion allows us to gain a fresh perspective. By comforting ourselves as we would a friend, we can acknowledge our feelings, saying things like, “I'm in pain at the moment,” or “I'm feeling worthless right now.”
Yet, in this contrasting view, we also realize that we transcend our feelings, and life encompasses more than just our suffering.
This self-comforting approach is empowering as it reminds us that, irrespective of our perceived wrongdoings or self-dislike, we have the capacity to effect positive change.